Getting naked

During our journey towards Portugal we did some volunteering in France. One of the hosts was Sadhaka, a tantra & yoga community. In this post I’m sharing my first experience with Tantra.
The first association I made with Tantra, was what many of us probably have: sex. But while scrolling through Sadhaka’s Workaway profile I found out something different, something that was resonating with my heart. As they write: “It’s not about bodies meeting bodies, but buddha’s meeting buddha’s”. After being twice in the Sacred Journey in Israel and a Rainbow Gathering in Italy, we felt we wanted to get deeper wisdom of our own being. Our experience in Israel and Italy was full of love, meeting brothers and sisters from all over the world.
Full of happiness we were when we got ‘accepted’ as volunteers. After some days I write the following letter.
“To all beings in the mill,
What a beautiful time of learning it has been. A lot of growing and understanding more of the self. I had the chance to go deeper into the Tantra, but with the mixed intentions flowing around, I decided that this is not the place where I want to deepen my knowledge about Tantra. I took this 10 day ride as it came and I enjoyed so much from everything, your food, the laughter, the tears, the yoga, the exchange of energy: your being.
A big part of my life I’ve been trying to give a place to the sexual abuse I’ve been experiencing in my younger years. I’ve had several western therapies (EMDR, Emotion regulation therapy and therapy by a sexologist). It has been a 14 year long journey of getting rid of the abused feeling in my head, in my emotions and in my body (it formed itself as Ankylosing Spondylitis). During my adventures around the world I got in touch with the center of my being and did more mental, emotional and physical healing.
Last February we’ve been in the Pyramids of Giza and when entering the pyramid there was a man.. My intuition told me straight away: something smelly. As I was in my journey of accepting all men as a brother, I ignored my intuition and gave this person a fair change of being who he was. After some time spent inside the pyramid, he grabbed my boob. I straight away knew it was test: could I still see every man as a pure being or would I fall back in my old pattern of thinking that men just see me/women as a sexual object?
He asked for forgiveness, all the way up the stairs, which were a lot. In my head I forgave him immediately, I sent love to all the women he had ever touched. I was beyond my own understanding: the boob/body he had touched was nothing but the outer layer of my being, the physical body. He couldn’t reach my heart, he couldn’t damage my soul. 
He touched me, but I chose to forgive him and to forgive myself for not listening to my intuition. All men are my brothers, all women are my sisters.
Before arriving to the mill, I fell in the trap of having big expectations: a beautiful family, a lot of love flowing around, sharing time and space and wisdom from one to another, discovering what Tantra is and to stick to my own boundaries.
The first lesson was a small introduction about Tantra, a 2-on-1 massage and a love circle with open end. The introduction to Tantra was short and not very clear to me. Even though I wasn’t mentally ready for the 2-on-1 massage, I felt save with Eviatar and Stephen. The love circle… I had no idea what to expect, what does a ‘love circle’ means? As soon as we were sitting in the circle I started to be confused.
There was a lot of brother/sister love flowing around, but I felt that there was something odd. I recognized this feeling as ego, unpureness, desire, but I didn’t know if it was made up in my mind or actually present in reality. As I followed my intuition and my senses, I wanted to protect the sister next to me. I wanted to take her in my arms and keep her safe, give her the love she deserves. And every time my body came in contact with the teacher, my body resisted, it was telling me: ‘This is not love.’
Many times it came to me: leave this space, go to the van. But I stayed and try to be focused on the love that was present.
After this evening I was confused to the bone. I felt the power of love and healing, but in the same time I had a big feeling of being abused inside myself. I wasn’t able to figure out if this was only my reality or if it was actually a reality lived by the other.
During the circle experience – as I mentioned before – I sensed something straight away. In my confusion I opened my eyes and I saw a beautiful group of people, a family. I saw my sister giving her boundaries to the teacher, moving her body away & giving a new chance, every moment, again and again to what was going on. 
During the ‘Introduction to Tantra’ we discussed very briefly the term ‘boundaries’, but what do you do when boundaries are not respected? By the ‘teacher’? Is the teacher not the one who keeps the energy clean, safe and respectful? 
I asked myself and my fears over & over again if I’m not just scared, trying to avoid something within the Tantra. But every time I came to the same answer: this is not for me. Not with this teacher.
I asked myself: what is my lesson? I felt a lot of resistance towards being here. But I taught myself: Forgive/Punish the wrongdoer by doing good to him and then forget the wrong he did & the good you did. So I stayed, and did the best I could do in this time.
I love again; all men as my brothers. All women as my sisters. All human beings as a piece of me. As the earth, the sky, the water & the air.
We are all one, we are all connected, we are all related by love. We are here to help each other to grow, to heal, to be the empowered spirit human being that we are. 
Thank you beautiful soul, for being you. You taught me so much.
19/09/2018, France”
What is Tantra for me?
Connecting with someone in a pure way, to see beyond the surface. Eye-contact, hugs, dance and even a massage.  But also conversations about what makes our hearts jump out of our chests, our biggest fears and laugh until we need to cry. Tantra for me is letting go of the mind, setting the soul free, through the body. Which I can experience by myself and with another, through any kind of movement, including sex.
As long as the boundaries are respected, we really make an effort to sense what the other wants and not move from our own desires, we can make magic.

One thought on “Getting naked

  1. I read this today and I remembered this post that you wrote. And thought maybe it is relevant to something you felt.

    “At no point in deep Tantric partnership practice is it required to surrender to the (man). It is only ever to the pure masculine higher consciousness that can flow through the man, but since he’s human, that is never going to be there at all times.

    Her own inner man is developed within that container too, and if not, it’s actually disempowerment and codependency taking place – which is toxic and leads to abuse of power.

    In deep tantric partnership, both are surrendering to higher forces of divine energy together, and so both are in heart opened vulnerability together, none with power over the other.

    It’s never about giving oneself over to any human, though in a real Tantric partnership union, it is possible to integrate and embody those higher dimensional selves more.

    Absolute power corrupts again & again. It is never required to hand over spiritual sovereignty, which is what some in the tantric scene seem to think surrender means…..

    no matter how wise, evolved, charismatic, popular etc, he/ they seem to be. No matter how strong the psychic abilities, mystical sex and other spiritual mojo is.

    With popular teachers and authors, there hasn’t been enough attention on the inner experience, alongside the shared experience, and so people get confused

    – especially women can get confused with this teaching of surrender to a man.

    It’s a misinterpretation of David Deida’s work too, though he didn’t teach much of the subtleties of the inner union experience, so it’s understandable people get confused.”

    What I welcome most of all with the exposure of abusive dynamics, is how it’s leading everyone of sound mind back home, to the real Tantric work of union with the inner Beloved, together.

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